Vitimism
or
How To Deal With Offenses

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails 

    I Cor. 13:4-8

I believe God has impressed upon my heart to write concerning this all too common ailment for which I have utilized the word "VICTIMISM". It could also be called "TAKING OFFENSE". It is the emotional condition that overtakes us when we think that we have been abused or misused in some way. It is responsible for much of the alienation that people suffer, both in the church and outside.  It is what causes a couple to refrain from speaking to each other for years. It is what causes us to ignore our neighbors on both sides of the house in which we live. It is what causes us to take one another to court over trivial matters.  It is what causes too many in the church to break fellowship and seek friendlier ground. It is also a subject that may not always be handled in a Biblical manner.

Let me also say that I write with no actual situation in mind. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This is not a lecture intended for a particular case, but something that God wants us to think about.

 We need each other!

All too often, when someone reveals to us that they are offended, we seek only to find out if there is a reason to be offended. Most of the time there is indeed very good reason to be offended. But is that all there is to it? I think not. And I shall speak my mind about "Victimism" now, and ask you to judge what I say. 

Let me be clear, one of the most common reasons for division in the Body of Christ is that we "take offense" at what someone did or said. This means that one side believes they have suffered some kind of wrong. Perhaps this is the place to insist that by definition, an offense, to be Biblically valid, must also qualify as a sin. If it is not in this category, then one may not take offense, but must rather “get over it!” Many times an offense is "taken" when none is "given". The situation occurs when the offended party acts upon what they believe to be an offense when in fact the "offender", who is held responsible, does not know about it, or at least did not intend to inflict such offense. How foolish it is to let a boil fester when it can be healed so easily with a little salve.

I learned  long ago that almost every time that I have been offended, if I would only  take the initiative to seek out the person or group that gave the offense, we could talk it out and before you know it the problem would evaporate and an even stronger relationship would result. Many of you have heard me say that if you want me to be offended you're going to have to get right in my face and say "Hayden! This is an offense!"  Otherwise, I am going to assume that you did not intend to offend me. Sound silly? No, it works. My estimate is that 88% of all "offenses taken" in the Church are found to be either unintended or unfounded. The other 12%, where one deliberately intends to offend, involves people who need serious help from God to see how much God has forgiven and  overlooked in their own life.  

Paul is saying to us in I Cor. 13, "Get over it!" for the sake of the other person. Do you have love? Show it! Suffer wrong if need be! Find a way to restore any broken relationship, and especially those associated with the Church of Jesus Christ. 

God did a marvelous service to us when he gave us instruction in His Word the Bible about how we respond to one another. He has purposely made it so that we are responsible to make peace with, whether we are the offended or the offender. In Matthew 5:23, 24 we have a command to the person who has offended someone, and has not yet made peace;  

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the
altar and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your gift there in
front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to
your brother; then come and offer your gift. NIV

In these verses God is telling you what to do if your brother has something against you!  You are the offending party in this situation. God does not want to hear you confess to Him that you are sorry! At least not yet! He wants you to get it straight between you and your brother first, because He knows that you cannot properly love Him if you do not love your brother! 

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother,
he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom
he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath
not seen? And this commandment have we from
him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.  

I John 4:20,21 

Now let us suppose that you are not the one who offended, but that instead you have been offended by another. What then? Well, God has made adequate provision for that also in the Gospel of Matthew when He said; 

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee,
go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone:
if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one
or two more, that in the mouth of two or three
witnesses every word may be established. And if
he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the
church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let
him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican.

Mt. 18:15-18

I am aware that this verse has often been used to discipline members of the church family, and also to deal with heresy. Permit me to contend that it was not intended for that purpose,  but is clearly in the context of personal offense. The second and third steps, i.e. taking others and bringing the person before the assembly, are provisions to assure honesty when the offender is confronted. (Church discipline is dealt with in other Scriptures, such as I Cor 5, Gal 6, et al.)

At any rate, the idea is that in every situation of offense taken or offense given, it is the responsibility of both parties to fix the problem. Why then do we see so much squabbling over such picayune matters among our brothers and sisters? It is because it is easier to sever relationships than to confront the issue head on. But God has not given us that option! How wonderful it would be if we did overlook unintended offenses and were eager to lift one another up and bear one another's burdens. Please notice how much abuse we are willing to take when it comes from our boss at work. We have no other option there either, except to look for another job so we absorb the abuse. But let the wife or children make a similar demand and see if we give them as much slack as we give the boss. When we act as "Victims", we join the ever growing number in the world who thrive in this lifestyle. The Church is not immune from "Victimism"! Too often we only hear one side of an issue and weigh in on that side. A wise man once told me that there are three sides to every story, my side, your side ... and the truth. I would like to think that my side is also the truth, but the point is still well taken. We see things very differently when we have taken the time to get all the information. We also have an easier time understanding one another when we are face to face than when we deal with gossip. 

One example of "Victimism" is when we are sick and restricted to our homes. We wait two days and then begin bad mouthing the ministry because they do not care about us.  How foolish and unfair that attitude is! I will bet that there were times when you had family emergencies that you could not attend to because of circumstances beyond your control. And when you explained the details to your family they quickly forgave you.  Besides, if you had followed the Scriptural pattern, you would have realized that God has put the responsibility on the sick to call for help. Affliction? Just pray! Wow! I never thought of that! 

Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. 
Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any
sick among you? let him call for the elders
of the church; and let them pray over him,
anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:  

James 5:13, 14

The fact that you are reading this article indicates that you are probably part of my spiritual family. By the command of Jesus Christ my love for those in this congregation must surpass anything that is known to the outside world. There is definitely a tie that binds us together, and it is born of the Spirit of God, and is intended to fulfill His plan for His Church on the earth. We do not need total agreement at every point to have harmony. Let us not destroy one another over petty issues, when we can have a beautiful life of fellowship that is ours by His grace. Let us speak well of one another, aware that one of the marks of unrighteousness in Romans 1:30 is that they "Slander" (NIV) or "Backbite" (KJV). These English words are a translation of the important Greek word KATALALIA, "To speak down upon". It is the opposite of the Greek EULOGEO, "to speak well of " someone. One is a “put down”; the other is a “eulogy”.

My conclusion is that none of our dear folks should leave our family or break personal fellowship because of an "offense taken". Contrariwise, the weak and burdened souls in our congregation should be learning from our example how to be strong in the Lord. If we have emphasized the idea that we should not offend anyone, and we have, let us also emphasize the idea that we must not exaggerate the unintended offenses coming our way.